She never mentions the word Addiction, in certain company
This is hard. I am a junkie. That word conjures visions of opiates, or crack or powder cocaine or plenty of really hardcore substances. My death of choice is nicotine. I am on day 3 of trying to quit using a nicotine patch. Trying to talk about this to non-junkies is useless. They don't understand. They think they do, and mean well, but they haven't a single clue. They don't know the feeling of being willing to sell out your best friend, family member, or lover to the Nazi's just to get your fix. They think it's just a matter of willpower. Of having intestinal fortitude. They don't know what it means to be a slave. To be owned. To be humiliated and still need whatever you're addicted to. But when it gets right down to the nitty-gritty they think you have a choice. Let me set the record straight. You will do anything no matter how low down and humiliating it is to get what you need. That's it. Period. And unless you're a junkie you don't understand this. No matter how supportive someone is, and how much they are willing to be there for you, they can never understand this aspect of addiction. I am finding with the patch the lack of desire for a cigarrette, but I still crave the act of smoking. Even when I was on Zyban I still smoked. I smoked less, but I still smoked. With the patch however I don't feel the urge for a cigarette I feel the urge to smoke. I am discovering my triggers. The things that make me want to smoke. Stress, coffee and the morning paper. The ones I miss the most is with my morning coffee and the newspapers. Alcohol for sure. I have smoked for so long that I have no idea or memory of what it is like to be a non-smoker. And I sometimes wonder what I am going to do to fill up the time that I spent smoking. And what I am going to do for a social network once I quit. All questions for the future. Right now is for fighting the urge to go back to the safe and the comfortable. Even though I know how it is killing me.
posted by Bodhi47 | 9:53 PM
4 Comments:
Thing is Mitch, if it came down to selling your family or friends out, you of all people, wouldn't. You're far more likely to sell yourself out, which I'm sure you've done a million times for the benefit of others. So, I know you're doing this for yourself. And you need to. But if it gives you any extra added strength, think of your family and friends who would like to see you stick around.
Now go eat your vegetables.
go mitch, go!
Oh Mitch. I emphathize....because I know of what you speak.
I've quit a lot of times. I've quit for years at at time. For me it's exactly like dieting, only HARDER.
It's not even about 1 day at a time but 1 cigarette at a time. For each one that you think of but DON'T have.....congratulate yourself!
Write down your triggers and write down an alternative activity.
It will get easier. I swear.
Mourn the loss. Be angry, be sad, be in denial. And IF you ever slip, get right back to what you KNOW you must do.
This is late but I hope you were successful. It takes about four years for the constant yearning to go away. The triggers are still there and you still wake up wanting one on occasion. Then after those years go by, the triggers fall away.
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